Why is everyone else okay... and I'm not?

         

         I've had this sort of pit in my stomach the last couple of days. I've been browsing the news in search of some glimmer of hope that this epic & global catastrophe we find ourselves in will be on the downward slope. But instead I'm met with headlines that twist my insides. I feel almost physically sick; nauseated from worry and fear of what is yet to come in the weeks and months ahead.
        Our town here in Enid, Oklahoma seems to be about a week or two behind places like New York, Detroit, and other major hubs where the corona virus has hit hard. Here things are slowly trickling in. Everyone lost their minds two weeks ago and bought up all the canned goods, dry goods, and cleaning products they could find (and then some), but since then, there really wasn't a huge change to our way of life here until just a few days ago when all public and private schools were shut down for the remainder of the school year. My husband & I decided back when the run on the stores happened that it was best for our family to keep our 4 kids home as much as we absolutely could because there was just so much uncertainty (and still is) about the corona virus. Our children are young - the oldest being 6, then a 4 year old, another about to turn 3, and then a 7 month old. I just felt so compelled to protect them anyway that I could - and staying home seemed at first to be so rash, so drastic, however, I knew that if any of my kids had gotten sick because i neglected to take that one simple step to stay home....I would just never forgive myself. So we've been home. Literally for two weeks we haven't gone anywhere. My husband or I would take turns picking up curbside groceries at our local Aldi and that was about it. We didn't take them to stores because we were bored, we even avoided local parks (which at that point were still FULL of kids!). And while I've been consistent with our little family about maintaining distance, I see more people than ever walking the local trails and the neighborhoods. I totally understand the need to get outside and get your blood pumping - hey, I believe in exercise - I just am so confused when I read local and global news sources that have been consistently telling people to stay home & yet I see groups of young teenagers wandering the neighboorhood, or young moms with their strollers all walking the trail together in a big cluster, or I go on social media and see pictures of playdates still happening. WHAT!? Am I the only one seeing these things? Clearly not. I guess everyone else thinks this is fine...? 
        I had someone from my church contact me recently to ask if we were going to take our small group virtual, and I responded in the negative. I'm thinking, how do you even do small group discussions online?... I've been hearing a lot of chatter about something called Zoom.... maybe I should check into that...  And then our kids' school (which I adore!) is having them do distance learning. So, I'm trying to figure out how to teach my 6 year old one thing, while trying to keep my 4 year old from cutting her pants instead of the big letter "N" she's supposed to be cutting out. Oh, and the 3 year old is playing with paint - guess I'll let that slide, It's probably fine.... :/  And the baby. Wait, where's the baby?!
           Deep breath. Ooooh boy. How is it only day 1 of this home schooling gig and I'm barely keeping it together? I'm a trained teacher, by the way, so there's that. You know, I should be GOOD at this. What is wrong with me?
            People keep saying to me that we have to "try and keep some sort of normal". Can we just be real for two seconds, please??  THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL. 
Having stores toilet paper isle completely freaking empty - not normal
Having my school aged kids home all day/ every day - not normal
Having a very real sense of fear about leaving my house - not normal
Fearing the loss of someone close to me on a daily basis because of a virus - not normal
Wondering how in the world do we go back to school/ work/ life after this - not normal
Being unable to gather with even small groups of people  - not normal
         
For my family, our faith in Jesus Christ is the one constant. That has not changed. Even when I can't gather with my church and have my cup filled in the presence of God & my fellow Christ-followers, I know beyond a doubt that He has a purpose in this. And His purpose is always the same. Would you like to know what God's purpose is for YOU? Yes, you can  really know it - God's purpose for you is the same as HIs purpose for me - to know Him. That's it. Beautifully simple.  "Be still and know that I am God." - - - - Know Him. Be still. - - - -
         So, I was thinking about all the things I'm "Supposed" to be doing during this isolation. And you know what I realized? It's too much. This is all just too much. I am a mess because I'm trying to be and do things that are not normal for me. I am trying to be my kids' mother + protector + teacher + therapist +church + friend. And I can't be all those things. I'm not even supposed to be. And I am SO SICK and tired of all the crap out there telling me that I need to be more or find the "best version" of myself.  BLah. It's so much word vomit that even typing it tastes gross. Hear me, please. This is time of crisis. This is a time of isolation - a time that should be filled with quiet, with reflection, with crying and grieving, with the hugs of our spouse/kids, and with a hopeful anticipation of what will come next. NO, this is not normal. Don't try and make it something it is not.
            I just watched a very moving video by Glennon Doyle on Instagram. (  https://www.instagram.com/tv/B-W79DhDhaY/?igshid=1wf4908zd48gl )    I don't even have Instagram or know who she is, but my sister sent me this link, and as I watched the video, I felt like this woman was saying and putting into words all the things I've been wrestling with internally but didn't know how to process. She was talking about this being a time of collective grief and that we should "resist the message that this is the time for self improvement" and that we should instead be leaning inward to do the more difficult work of transformation. She said that we should resist heaping 'should's' and shame on top of our grief. And I agree.
          I am coming to the realization that while many people will be taking their groups and clubs and classes and all kinds of things to a "virtual" stage, keeping up with all of those online groups is just not for me. It brings stress instead of peace, and it keeps me from fulfilling my purpose of knowing God & acting out what I would say is my calling at this point in my life, which is to maintain a safe and loving environment where I serve my husband and my kids (some of you old schoolers might call it 'home making'). I truly believe this is holy work. Anyone who has experienced the trauma of a homelessness, childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or substance abuse can attest to the reality that a safe and loving home is something that must be created. It must be protected and cherished. This is my role right now. It might look different for you - but don't let what you "have" to do get blurred with what other people are telling you you "should" do. You don't have to do your kids' karate class virtually - you don't. You don't have to take pictures of every piece of school work and post it - you don't have to. You don't have to log into facebook every hour to check what new comments are in that thread you're following. It's not that important. Focus on what really matters - i think most of us would say that is our family/ friends/ and work. That's it. Keep it simple. 
            I have to believe that I'm not the only one feeling overwhelmed by all of this. In fact, I know I'm not. But maybe you're feeling that pressure to be or do more when you're just trying to keep your head above water from day to day. You are not alone. I feel that way too. I just had the ugliest ugly cry ever... and you know what? It feels good. It was like I just needed that permission to cry it out. So this is me giving you permission to feel whatever it is you're feeling right now. And know that you are not alone. Even as we are isolated, we are collectively experiencing something that is changing us. I think I just needed to hear someone else say what I was thinking - that this is super hard, it is so far from what's normal, and it's okay (healing even) to be emotional about all of this change that is happening.  No one has all the answers and there are no quick fixes. But I do know this - we are going to be okay; maybe not tomorrow or next month even, but keep your eyes on that glimmer of hope. Good things are coming.